If you're here, then you're probably like me, searching for your purpose (and maybe some clothes too). We all are looking for the right answers to give us the unreachable life that we are all searching for. We want to have an amazing career, the perfect clothes, unattainable hair, love, and never ending adventure, so we look to social media to see all of the girls who we think have these things. And we hope that they will share some of their secrets. Well they don't have it all together, and neither do I. Hey girl, I'm Kayla. Here's my boutique/blog/mini life story. I'm just like you. I'm still figuring this life out, so let's figure it out together.
Everyone has a similar story. When I was a starry eyed young girl, I was extremely creative with equally creative visions for my future. I wanted to be a singer. And a dancer. And Miss America. And an author (noticeable by my great writing skills, obviously! Not, lol). And everything I could possibly dream of. I knew from a very young age that no matter what I did, I wanted to be known and to make a difference. As I got older, some of those dreams faded into surreal fantasies and some I tried to make a reality. I competed at Miss Georgia, I wrote stories, I studied dance for eight years, but over time, something happened. I wanted to fit in. I didn't want to use my natural skills and creativity to be seen, I wanted to sink back and blend in. I quit dance to cheer because all of the cool middle schoolers did, I stopped writing stories and poems to focus on planning my outfits for school to win approval, I tried pageants, but I never found joy in winning. Slowly over time I transformed into the average girl society wanted, all the while watering down my real purpose and dreams. I always knew something was missing too, but I was afraid to admit it.
Once I got to college and the world became a harder place, I turned back to some of those dreams to let out how I really felt. I would write to let out my sadness. I would dance to let out my anger. I would dream to get me through the hard times. Along with that I started feeling more joy in myself. Was this who I was really supposed to be? Had I really been missing out? Well those thoughts didn't last long before society had me crammed back into the "right" ideals. Then senior year (okay second senior year) came, and I had to make a decision. To get a job that's stable or take a risk, that was the question. Thoughts ran through my head like this, "Kayla, you're not popular enough to start your own business. You will fail before you even get started." "You're not talented enough to stand out." "You're not good enough to do something no one else can. Stay in the safe lane. Be normal." So I decided to start looking for marketing jobs. But something felt wrong. The months went by, and I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to take a risk. If I failed like my inner thoughts said, at least I could say I tried and then sink back to my turtle shell of a life. Here's the thing, if I would have listened to those inner thoughts, I wouldn't be talking to you right now. I would be sitting in an office staring at the clock waiting for 5pm instead of writing to you all over the world from my boutique blog.
Here's the real kicker. Those thoughts I heard in my head weren't from any outside source. You might be thinking, well she doesn't have supportive family or friends or she must have been told she couldn't amount to anything. Nope. I have the most supportive family, friends, and husband. I was telling myself these lies, because I believed them. They were from my own inner self. I had caged my inner dreams and skills to not be seen, because I was so afraid of failing that I'd rather tear myself down than try. GIRLS, why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we rip our own self to shreds and glorify everyone else? Why do we not see us the way others see us? Why do we only see the fat, acne, fear, shame, past mistakes, lies, and lack of self confidence in ourselves when underneath all of this there is a UNICORN. Rare and beautiful. Unique and gorgeous. Every single thing we call a "flaw" is what God created to make us unique to this world. There is literally no one else like you in this world. This would would not be the same without you. Literally. Our own mind is the biggest battlefield in our lives.
You see, the young starry eyed little girl had it figured out. She knew that she was special and unique and had skills that the world literally needs.
And you do too. We are all this little girl, and we just need to take a big step out of our mind battlefield and into the unknown, risk, and eventually freedom. We can never be free from our cages if we lock the door ourselves and swallow the key of hope. We are our biggest captor, and we can set ourselves free.
That day I decided I couldn't stand to play the safe card anymore was the day I started to let the real Kayla out. I decided to follow what God said and open my own boutique to give girls unique clothes that will allow them to be themselves. And over the past year since I made this decision, it hasn't been easy. I've had doubt, major anxiety, fear, pain, lots of tearful nights, insomnia, and so much worrying about if I was good enough I could write a book. But that's what happens when you are following God's purpose for your life. It isn't easy. It's not always fun. You will have sleepless nights, unnecessary fights, and lots of hopes that shine like lights. (See I told you I wrote poems, didn't I?) But I've become more of myself than I've been in 15 years. One thing is always true if you're following your dreams, despite the heartache and work, you will feel peace. Peace that surpasses understanding. That is because God puts your dreams in you to change the world, no matter how big or small, and you will feel his peace if you are following that dream.
Tear down the wall of your brokenness, knock down the bricks of lies, push past the dust and wind of past mistakes and fear that tries to keep you back, and take a step towards the field of hope and joy. You will have to climb plenty of hills and bridges to get fully there, but you will see that light on the top of that hill where the flowers grow in the field and the sun shines brighter than ever. Then you will bask in the glory of the life God meant for you. This is who you're meant to be babe. Don't let yourself settle for a second rate version of yourself. You are needed in this world. Every. Single. Part. Of. You.
"Little girl sitting in your dreams
Shine your dreams on me
Tell me what you see
I don't know where to be
I know God gave you to me for a reason
A part of me I've yet to understand
Show me what I'm missing, show me what I need
Show me and take me by the hand"
Love and peace